Show #411 Airing Sunday, 12/9/07
Families, friends and fun fill the calendar during the holidays. But if this year is different because a loved one will no longer be sharing the season with you, you might find it very hard to celebrate. Here with tips on how to cope is Patricia Covell, manager of special services for the VNA Hospice & Palliative Care Partners of Ohio.
Question:When a loved one dies, we grieve. But is mourning ever triggered even without a death?
Answer: Grief refers to the thoughts and feelings we experience in ourselves after a loss. Mourning is our outward expression of our grief.
Death is a major cause of grief, but not the only one. For example, if someone you love is away at war, you are experiencing is a major loss. Disenfranchised grief occurs when someone has Alzheimer's disease. A move to a nursing home can cause one to mourn this change of life. And divorce causes grief as well.
Question:Is it true that grief over a loss can often be amplified during the holidays?
Answer: Yes, it's more vivid. This season is stressful even if we haven't experienced a loss. The holidays are filled with traditions that will have to be changed due to loss.
It's difficult, but the only way to truly work through grief is to embrace it, not to ignore it.
Question: What can you do to work through your grief as you approach the holidays?
Answer: Have a plan. Be proactive as you approach the holidays, not reactive.
B. Make a list of holiday activities-for example, decorating. Have you enjoyed this activity in the past? Are you up for it this year? If the answer is yes, do you want to approach it in the same way or make changes? What would those changes be?
Do that for each activity or event: sending cards, listening to holiday music, exchanging gifts, etc. If you've always served dinner, maybe it's time to go out. Even the prospect of going to Church services-perhaps alone-can be overwhelming. Maybe you could go to a different Church, or go with a friend.
Question:What if you really don't feel up to anything?
Answer: You really should accept some social engagements. It's important to be with "safe" people-people who will listen to your stories and be supportive. Don't do nothing-you might have to force yourself but again, you want the season to be memorable, to embrace the grief to work through it.
And also, remember that it's okay to enjoy yourselves once in awhile. People often feel guilty after having a good time or laughing, but that's the body's natural way to relax and gain strength. Life is a gift, and your loved one would want you to live it.
Question:Just because you're not up to something this year doesn't mean that you can't do it again in the future, right?
Answer: Definitely. Grief is a process, and you may go through this evaluation next year as well. In fact, sometimes the second holiday season is more difficult than the first, though no one talks much about that. Suddenly, the reality sets in that these changes are permanent, and it can be difficult.
In fact, we're talking about the holidays right now, but it's true that this review process can be used throughout the year-to plan your approach to deal with birthdays, anniversaries, and other life events. Planning how you will approach these days helps give you a sense of control in a situation where you have little control.
Answer: Is there a bigger lesson we can learn through the grieving process. especially during the holidays?
Answer: It is by truly working through grief that you are shown how to live. Many people realize that they don't want their family members to experience extreme grief after their passing, so they make sure they pass down a legacy to their loved ones, or put aside past arguments. Hope is an important part of grieving. If you're not there yet, it does take time. But again, one must embrace grief and work through it to reach this point.
My thanks to Patricia Covell for her tips on coping with loss and grief during the holidays. If you need help or support, call the number that's next. We'll be back.
