Show #364 Airing Sunday, 11/26/06
How do you cope when the most wonderful time of the year has become the most difficult, because you are grieving for a loved one? Here to help us is Carol Steiner, bereavement coordinator for the VNA Hospice and Palliative Care Partners of Ohio.
Question: The holiday season can be stressful during a good year. After one has suffered a loss and is grieving, it has to be especially difficult.
Answer: Holidays are a sentimental time that highlight the relationships in our lives and togetherness. That can be tough if loss has ripped that togetherness away from us.
Grief is unpredictable, and can be triggered by an event or a memory. The holiday season is full of more triggers than usual.
Question: What are some basic descriptions of grief? What it considered "normal"?
Answer: There is no right, or "normal" way to grieve. Some people feel sad and lonely. Some sleep too much or eat too much.or the exact opposite. Some have a hard time concentrating. Some people become withdrawn; others want to stay busy. Some suffer a spiritual crisis, asking why. These are all normal responses to loss.
There is also no timetable for grief. It's not necessarily "over with" in a year's time, for example.
Don't try to move beyond grief; instead, try to work through it. Tears are a sign of courage.
Take care of yourself. Eat right, exercise, limit alcohol, get adequate rest. Pamper yourself.
Grief does not only come from death. Divorce, for example, can be a cause of grief, again especially around the holidays.
Question: If we are grieving, is there anything we can do that can make the holidays more meaningful?
Answer: Start thinking now of what you plan to do. Don't let the holidays catch you by surprise.
Remember that you are in charge of you. Lower expectations of the event. Accept your limitations-if you have lower energy, don't feel badly on cutting back on some of what you normally do, for example.
Consider changing traditions, to simplify the holiday and to memorialize the loved one. Perhaps have everyone share a special memory, or purchase an ornament for the tree in memory of the person.
Don't be afraid to confide your true feelings in someone who can listen and accept them. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel good, to laugh and have fun.
Take note of what worked this year and what did not, and incorporate that into your celebration next year.
Question: Holidays are very special to children. What can we do if there are children or grandchildren who may be grieving in our families this holiday season?
Answer: Children need to grieve too. Make sure to involve them when your family is choosing what to do during the holidays. They may want to join in activities such as making cookies, or may want to be involved in how you remember their loved one.
Understand that they will need/want to spend time with their friends, not just with the family during this time.
Allow them to cry. Encourage them to ask questions, and reassure them that nothing is their fault. Children will often not vocalize their grief, but will write short stories or draw pictures of the deceased loved one.
Select a keepsake from the deceased as a gift for the child.
Consider enrolling the child in a peer support group.
Question: Where can people who are grieving reach out for help?
Answer: If you are grieving, be gentle with yourself, and do reach out for support. Family and friends can be a great help. You can reach out for an agency such as hospice bereavement department for counseling or support groups.
Consider helping others, whether family and friends or through volunteering. That often has a way of assuaging grief.
If you'd like a helping hand with holiday planning and decision-making, or information on how to create a memorial for a loved one, give the VNA Hospice & Palliative Care Partners of Ohio a call and ask for their free checklist. The number's next. My thanks to Carol Steiner.
